It's been tough lately but ...

The desire to write a blog interspersed with pictures overrode the desire to just write. Now I have so much to write about this may end up either being the longest blog in history or a blog about the same thing told in several installments.

Where to begin. I think I may start at the end and go back to the beginning. I have a really, really, really dear friend. She's like my sister. We do Diet Coke, shopping, griping, errands,Q Dobe and La Salsa, movies, cry, laugh, mani-pedi's, bear our testimonies to each other, double date with our hubbies,make jewelry, yup, just about everything, together. Last Monday we were at her dear, sweet, way-too-young-to-be-gone, husband's funeral.

It's hard to write about. Feelings are still so tender, close to the surface. Tears come as often as does laughter. I wasn't with Cory every second of every day of when Hector was sick, but I was there always in my thoughts and when I could be, I was there in person.

Sometimes I was able to be a comforter, hold hands, soothe a brow, murmur quietly to try and calm through painful, painful moments. I tried to give bits of laughter that could turn tears to smiles. What does one do for a friend whose body is being invaded by an unseen, unwanted enemy? How do you comfort your 'sister' who is in an agony of her own watching the love of her life slip further and further away? There's only so many rides you can give the kids, words of encouragement, trips to the pharmacy for more drugs that have little or no effect, trash cans emptied, phone calls made, avoided, taken, meals shared, appointments kept, apologies made. How inadequate one feels, but, in the face of all that is struggled through, dealt with, and faced once more, the common thread that wound through and bound us all together, was there.

The love of our Father in Heaven and atonement of Jesus Christ was the thread. At times we felt that the thread was thin, almost invisible but at others it was strong, almost like re bar. It held and supported us, strengthened us, reinforced us for yet another round when needed. Hector suffered so greatly from the melanoma that invaded his whole body in just a month. From nothing to be seen in every test taken, to ravaging his whole body including his bones. If it hurt us so much to see him suffer so, how did the Father feel as He watched His Son suffer in the Garden of Gethsemane? How do we feel as we contemplate that Suffering that was for us so that He could know our every pain, want, need, desire, heart ache, joy, and indeed our very souls? Oh how small and insignificant it all seems when our exaltation is contemplated, but how real it is when you are existing through it with someone.

How does one keep going? Some days I know better than others. I see Cory, Sophie and Anders move through their lives as brave, strong and positive as they can be. Then we share moments that make us recall the swift inevitability of Hector's course despite the being brave, strong and positive, and the pain comes so swiftly that it almost chokes you. And the tears come again. Then the remembrance comes again of the love of a Father who gave His Son.

That sacred, holy offering by man least understood,
To have our sins remitted and take His flesh and blood.
That we may ever witness the suffering of thy Son,
And always have His Spirit to make our hearts as one.

How infinite that wisdom, the plan of holiness,
That made Salvation perfect, and veiled the Lord in flesh.
To walk upon His footstool and be like man almost,
In His exalted station and die or all was lost.

The words to the sacrament hymn come as easily as the tears do, tonight. The Spirit has truly been able to make our hearts as one. It's what has kept us all going. Countless prayers, hugs, murmurs of love and endearment, hands held, songs sung, hearts touched and lives changed forever.

I'm not sure I personally want to learn and grow this way, but the Lord knows what it takes for us better than we do. If it hurts so much just to watch Cory endure this, I just don't know. It's been tough lately but it's also been good.